i hate when i get in my dumb moods. i make myself sound so emo, it’s bad. i am happy, more than happy. schools just annoying & it stresses me out way too much, i start sing wednesday though!

IM TOO EXCITED FOR MY OWN GOOD.

i feel like i’m going back to last year again. i don’t like it. i need to snap out of it now. fuck school for stressing me out, fuck my teacher for making me take a 3 hour class that i don’t need, just fuuuuuck everything.

wheres summer? i miss it. & i miss being happy. i guess nothing really ever last.

it was finding myself after i lost you. it was seeing that i was alright on my own. happiness was realizing you weren’t who i thought you were, but finally accepting it and being okay with it. it was having faith in a lesson learned. it was realizing that the hurt might not go away, but you get stronger and the pain lessens. or, maybe it doesn’t even lessen. maybe i’ve just grown that much stronger. happiness was accepting how long it took me to get over you, and finally being okay with it. it’s now, a year later, finally realizing my worth. but my happiness was never just about you. it no longer lies in you.

it’s been the past few months of finding friends that taught me about myself. it was finally realizing where i wanted to go, who i am. it’s the fact that i’m in control of my present, and my future. the fact that the past is a memory but i’ll always hold it close.

it’s not caring what people think, although i’ll always care to an extent. it’s beginning to express myself and find things that bring me joy. it’s the times when words come easy and moments pass slow. it’s losing myself, then finding myself again. it’s an open mindedness i have within me. it’s realizing that i. am. me. it’s living as i am.

it’s the 5 subject notebook with all of my thoughts stashed in my drawer so hopefully no one reads it. it’s losing friendships with people i held close for 5-10 years, only to regain the friendship and reminisce about the old times. it’s the way i now have this urge inside me to be wise, to gain as much knowledge as i can. it’s the urge inside me that desperately wants to learn.

happiness are those cliche moments when my stomach hurts so bad from bursting into laughter. the moments when i have the radio turned up so loud i can’t hear my own thoughts. it’s the photographs, the memories. the moments when i felt ultimately close to God, and the longing i have to get back to that place. it’s the complete and utter bliss i feel inside of a dark room and the feeling of accomplishment i feel when i come out.

it’s the thumping concerts. the colors of fall. it’s the warmth in my favorite movie, my favorite song. it’s in the elderly, the wise. the relief you feel at the moment right before you fall asleep when you’re beyond tired. it’s the biggest football game with a million of your friends, wrapped up in a blanket with hot chocolate. it’s walking outside for a sunrise and getting your socks wet with the morning dew. it’s the pulchritudinous colors of a sunset. it’s the feeling of knowing you’re going somewhere, to prove them all wrong. it’s the strength you’ve finally found inside yourself, while you’ve demolished the brick standings of insecurities.

it’s when you begin to enjoy your own company. you begin to see that being alone - physically and metaphorically - isn’t always a bad thing. it’s the sunshine, warmth, and relaxation of summer, the leaves and sweatshirts of fall, the first snowfall of winter, and the promising new beginnings of spring.  it’s when you begin to seek your own happiness. when you see it as not so much a priority, but a destination.  when you begin to understand the phrase ‘if you want to be happy, be.’ it’s the moment when you wouldn’t rather be anywhere but here.

happiness is a black and white picture. it’s the fact that this list isn’t even close to being finished.

today was my last first day of school, can i just say how insane that feels? i remember first walking into school and the first thing i said was ‘i can’t wait to get out of here.’ and now, it’s finally happening and I’m so releaved. i like all my classes, i guess. except the fact that they gave me a lunch period, now I’m stuck monitoring since i will know absolutely no one in lunch since no seniors have it. i mean, i could drop band all together but i’m not entirely sure if i want to do that.  i need to honestly think about it, i’d miss everyone too much in band. it’s like, a second family. other than that, my classes are all good except math, I’m so glad i only need to take that until January, i hate being in a class with freshman’s and sophomores or juniors. the best part though, getting out at 12:30 everyday. i can get use that :] it’s going to be a good year! i start sing Monday, I’m excited for that mostly. we’re all going out to dunkin donuts tomorrow right after school, I’m already enjoying the senior life.